Glimpses Read online



  glimpses

  by

  erin j. munz

  Glimpses

  By Erin J. Munz

  Copyright 2014 Erin J. Munz

  For Jason,

  Who believed in me enough to make me believe in myself

  part i

  I never liked things that I didn’t understand.

  My mind didn’t understand the flood of medical terminology his doctor poured forth.

  My heart didn’t understand how I could barely recognize the man I loved.

  My mind and my heart didn’t understand how I could have been so stupid and caused this whole mess.

  “It’s because I’m not good enough for you, Harleigh!”

  He was screaming. He never screamed. Not at me.

  “That’s not true, Shaun.”

  “It is. It so fuckin’ is!”

  “Shaun…”

  “All that stuff they’ve been telling you, it finally got to you.”

  “Shaun…”

  “I didn’t think now, not after 2 ½ years.”

  “Shaun…”

  I had started to cry. Usually my tears put an end to any fight. Shaun hated to see me cry.

  Not this time.

  “What? What are you going to say to me? That you love me? That little miss college degree loves a fuckin’ piece of shit like me? What? What are you going to say to me?”

  His voice was full of so much anger – and even more hurt.

  I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away.

  “Shaun, you know that I love you, but I’m just not…”

  “I’m not good enough for you.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Why? It’s true, Harleigh, isn’t it?”

  “Stop it. Listen to me…”

  “It has to be true. If you love me so much, why can’t you even imagine marrying me?”

  * * *

  In one hand I held the phone, in the other a handful of tissues.

  “Rose, he left, he just left. He’s never left me like that before.”

  “Harleigh, relax. It’s OK, everything is OK. What happened?”

  “He brought up the m-word.”

  “The m-word?”

  “Yes, the m-word. MARRIAGE.”

  “Ohhh… did he propose?”

  “No, he just said he’s been thinking a lot lately about marrying me.”

  “And?”

  “And I freaked out, Rose. I told him I’d never even thought of marrying him.”

  “Liar.”

  I couldn’t stop crying.

  “I know. I know. He thought it was because he’s not good enough for me.”

  “Did you explain to him?”

  “He wouldn’t listen. Then he got really mad. He slammed the door and left. He just slammed the door and left.”

  * * *

  I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t sleep not with what had happened that night. It was almost 4 a.m. when the phone started to ring.

  I saw Mike’s name and number come up on my phone. I didn’t pay any attention to it.

  “Shaun?”

  “No, Harleigh, it’s Mike.” Shaun’s brother.

  I knew. I could hear it in his voice.

  “Shaun was in an accident.”

  “What? Mike, is he OK? He’s OK, isn’t he?”

  “I think you should come to the hospital.”

  * * *

  I found Mike in a waiting room. His eyes were red. I looked at him and started to fall apart myself. He took me in his arms.

  “Harleigh…”

  “Mike, how bad is it?”

  “He’s gonna be just fine.”

  “Mike, how bad is it?”

  I pulled away so I could look into his eyes.

  “They don’t think he’s gonna make it out of surgery.” His voice was shaking. “It’s bad, real bad.”

  * * *

  I had first met Shaun three years ago after I had moved into the complex where Mike lived at a Fourth of July picnic.

  I was sitting beside the pool with my feet dangling into the cool water when he came and sat down beside me.

  “Hi, I’m Shaun, Mike’s brother.”

  I smiled at him as he extended his rough hand to me. He was cute, super cute – brown hair, brown eyes and a smile that told me he was trouble.

  “I’m Harleigh.”

  “Yeah, Mike’s been telling me about you. You’re a teacher, right?”

  “I am.”

  “I’ve never met a teacher that liked me.” He grinned.

  Cocky yet somehow charming.

  “Who.” I gave him a cocky grin of my own.

  “Who what?”

  “Who liked you.”

  “Sorry, my grammar’s a little bit rusty.”

  “That’s OK.”

  “So are you gonna be the first?”

  “Maybe.”

  * * *

  I handed Mike a cup of coffee as I sat down in the chair beside him.

  “We had a fight.”

  “I know, Harleigh.”

  I figured that he did.

  “Shaun came over after he left your place.”

  “I love him, Mike. I love him so much.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I just panicked.”

  “Harleigh...”

  “He just caught me off guard.”

  “Harleigh…”

  “I didn’t know what to say.”

  “Harleigh…” I looked at him. “This isn’t your fault.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  * * *

  A couple weeks after I first met him, Shaun was over trying to fix my sink. The complex’s maintenance man was out of town and couldn’t check it out until the next day.

  I stared at his legs sticking out from under the counter.

  “Shaun…”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Ummm, thanks for doing this for me.”

  “Not a problem for my teacher friend.”

  The dreaded f-word.

  “So can I at least cook dinner for you or something?”

  He emerged from under the sink, and I tried to stop twiddling my thumbs.

  “Do you like baseball, Harleigh?”

  I was confused.

  “What?”

  “You know, baseball? Pitcher, batter, three strikes and you’re out. Baseball?”

  “I love baseball.” That was a bit of an exaggeration.

  “Then how about you come with me to tonight’s game? I’ve got great seats.”

  “I’d love to.”

  He disappeared again under the sink. “Great. Maybe I’ll even buy you a hot dog or something.”

  I was glad he couldn’t see the smile on my face.

  * * *

  I wrapped my arm around Mike’s and rested my head on his shoulder.

  “Mike, what happened?”

  “A car hit him head on.”

  “Was he… had he… after our fight?”

  “No, Shaun wasn’t.”

  “Was the other guy?”

  He nodded.

  “Yeah, he was. Kind of ironic, huh?”

  * * *

  We had been officially dating for about a week when I found out. Shaun was over at my apartment for dinner.

  “So, Shaun, how about next Tuesday we do dinner with Rose and Scott?”

  He shook his head.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because Tuesday’s a bad day.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it just is.”

  “Shaun…”

  “Harleigh, I can’t.”

  “Why can’t you?”

  “I have a meeting Tuesday evening.”

  “What kind of meeting?”

  “A meeting
.”

  “Shaun, what kind of meeting?”

  “An AA meeting.” He didn’t look away.

  “Ohhhhh.”

  “No, AA.”

  He tried to laugh; I tried to smile.

  “Harleigh, look, I should have told you before.”

  “You don’t have to explain. I’m sorry.”

  “No, Harleigh.” He took my hand. “I’ve been sober for about ten months now. I just didn’t… I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “It’s OK.”

  My mind was racing.

  “No, I used to be a real fuck-up. I did a lot of stupid shit.”

  “It’s OK.”

  My mind started to race even more.

  “But I’m on the right track now. I promise.”

  * * *

  Mike’s eyes looked about a million miles away.

  “Mike…”

  He shook his head and came back to me.

  I squeezed his hand.

  “He’s gonna be just fine.”

  “It’s not fair, Harleigh.”

  “I know.”

  “He was doing so much better.”

  “I know.”

  “He finally had everything going in the right direction.”

  “He still will.”

  Mike shook his head.

  “I just have this feeling.”

  “No.”

  “Harleigh…”

  “No, he’s fine. He’s going to wake up and be fine.”

  “Harleigh…”

  I wouldn’t listen.

  * * *

  One night, when Shaun and I had been dating for about three months, he came over for dinner after work.

  It was unusually warm for January so after we ate we sat outside, with the stars in the black sky above us.

  “Hey, Harleigh.”

  “Hey what?”

  “Thanks for dinner tonight.”

  “Anytime.”

  “So I’ll be over tomorrow then.”

  “Tomorrow’s menu will feature cereal, soup and salad.”

  “Maybe I’ll cook for you then.” He grinned.

  “Can you cook?”

  “Of course I can cook. Are you doubting my skills?”

  I tickled his sides.

  “No, I would never do that.”

  “Hey, Harleigh.”

  “Hey what?”

  “No, never mind. It’s stupid.”

  “No, tell me.”

  “Today’s day 400.”

  I didn’t understand.

  “I’ve been clean and sober for 400 days now.”

  “You count?”

  “Yeah, every day on my calendar.”

  I kissed his cheek.

  “Congratulations.”

  “It’s stupid, just forget I told you.”

  “Shaun, it’s not stupid.”

  We never talked about his past. I figured he would tell me if he ever wanted to. I didn’t want to push.

  Tonight I didn’t have to.

  “It was really rough after my mom died. It was my senior year of high school. My dad had died when I was in seventh grade. It was just really rough when she died.”

  I wrapped my arm around his.

  “How’d she die?”

  “Cancer.”

  “I’m sorry, Shaun.”

  “I went to live with Mike. He had been out of college for a year or so, but it just didn’t work.”

  “Why? You and Mike get along great.”

  “We do now. But I put him through a lot of shit that I shouldn’t have. I got messed up with a lot of bad stuff.”

  I didn’t say anything because I could tell that Shaun wasn’t finished.

  “I mean, there are weeks, months even that I don’t remember. I never even really thought about going to college. And I couldn’t even hold a job for more than a month.”

  “You don’t have to tell me this.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  I knew he did too, but I didn’t want him to feel like I was forcing him.

  “After about three years, Mike had me tossed into rehab. I couldn’t admit that I had a problem so it didn’t really do me much good. I guess that’s really cliché, but it’s true.”

  “What happened after that?”

  “I moved back in with Mike. And I did OK for a little bit. But then I just started drinking again, no more drugs or anything, but just drinking and drinking.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. To escape. To make it go away.”

  Neither one of us said anything.

  Then Shaun smiled. “But that was all 400 days ago.”

  * * *

  Mike held onto my hand.

  “I used to wish that Shaun would find a girl like you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Someone who was going to pull him out of what he was slipping into.”

  “I didn’t do that, Mike.”

  “You did more than you know.”

  “Shaun was already sober when I met him.”

  “You helped him stay that way.”

  “How?”

  “You made him want something better for himself. You made him want to be better.”

  I thought of our fight.

  “But that’s it, Mike.”

  “What’s it?”

  “He never thought he could be good enough for me.”

  * * *

  Shaun was driving me home one December night after a movie.

  “Hey, Shaun.”

  “Hey what?”

  “What are you doing next Friday?”

  “Nothing. Why? Are you making me dinner?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, what’s going on then?”

  “My school is having its holiday party, and I was hoping you would be my date.”

  I moved closer to him in the front seat of the truck.

  I watched his knuckles grow white around the steering wheel.

  “Harleigh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t think taking me is a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, what will they all think?”

  “They’ll think you’re great.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Shaun, what are you talking about?”

  “I’m not smart. I’m not refined. I don’t even own a tie. And…”

  “You’re perfect.”

  “Harleigh…”

  “They’ll love you just like I love you.”

  I kissed his cheek.

  “Remember you’re the only teacher who has ever liked me.” He emphasized the who.

  “Shaun, it’s not like you’re going up against a firing squad or something. They knew your mom. They watched you grow up.”

  His mom had been the nurse at my school.

  “So, you want them to see what a mess I’ve made of my life?”

  “Shaun…”

  “I’m sorry.” He paused, his eyes focused on the road ahead. “You really want me to go? You’re not worried what they’ll think?”

  “I really want you to go. Besides, my opinion is the only one that matters.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “And I definitely approve.”

  I could see the smile slowly return to his face.

  “Hey, Harleigh.”

  “Hey what?”

  “I was just lying. I really do own a tie.”

  * * *

  I stood up and walked over to the window of the waiting room.

  “Mike, how long has he been in there?”

  “Hours. I’ve lost track. Hours.”

  “Do you think that’s a good or bad thing?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “He’s gonna be fine.”

  “Harleigh, do you think you could call your brother? Maybe he could help or something.”

  “I can try.”

  * * *

  I had four brothers. Three of t
hem loved Shaun. Jon hated him.

  The five of us lived across the country, but Jon and I lived the farthest apart — in a number of ways. He was the oldest. I was the youngest. But it was more than just age.

  Shaun was in bed, and Jon and I were sitting on Jon’s front porch.

  “I don’t know, Harleigh.” Jon, a doctor, was making his diagnosis on my relationship.

  “Jon, come on.”

  “He’s a construction worker.”

  “So…”

  “So, can he carry on a complete conversation with you?”

  “Stop it.”

  “I’m just trying to be realistic. He’s no good.”

  “You can’t say that, Jon, you don’t know him.”

  “Drug rehab, AA meetings, construction worker, what more do I need to know?”

  “Those things aren’t who he is.”

  “Then tell me, Harleigh, who is he?”

  “Shaun is kind and sweet and caring, and he would do anything for me. And he makes me happy.”

  “He’s trouble. He’s got no future.”

  “He does have a future.”

  “It better not include you.”

  “It does.”

  * * *

  I left Mike in the waiting room while I went outside to call Jon.

  I heard his voice on the other end.

  “Jon, it’s Harleigh.”

  He could hear my tears.

  “Harleigh, what happened? What’s wrong? Are you OK?”

  “Shaun was in a really bad accident, really bad accident.”

  “Is he OK?”

  “I don’t know. They’ve been operating for hours.”

  “What have the doctors told you?”

  “They told Mike that he’d be lucky if he made it out of surgery.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Jon, what do we do?”

  “Harleigh, don’t cry, OK?”

  “OK.”

  Attempts at muffling my tears were futile.

  “Listen, I’m going to come down there.”

  “I’m so scared. I can’t lose him. I can’t...”

  “I’m going to catch the first flight.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Harleigh, you’ve got to stay strong for Shaun.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You have to.”

  * * *

  It was two days after our first real fight. We had gotten into a fight about Jon.

  I hadn’t called Shaun. Shaun hadn’t called me.

  Then I started to worry.

  I called him and left message after message after message.

  He didn’t return any of my calls.

  I went to his apartment and knocked and knocked and knocked on his door.

  He didn’t answer.

  But the door was unlocked, and I went in.

  He was sitting on his couch with a bottle of whiskey on the coffee table in front of him. He didn’t even look up as I entered.

  “Shaun…”

  “You know I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”

  “You don’t want to do this.”

  “I don’t know how to…”

  “Shaun, come on think about this.”

  He looked at me and tried to smile.

  “I don’t know how to explain this.”

  “What?”

  “I thought it was over, Harleigh. I thought we were over.”